The Adventures of Yellow - Part 7

Yellow, Amberana and Brownie were sitting on the curb at the intersection of Haight and Ashbury when a surreal figure approached.

“YOU!” Yellow and Lemon Sunburst yelled simultaneously. 

“You are not getting my fez you bastard,” seethed Yellow. 

Lemon Sunburst held up his hands in a mock surrender posture.  “I am not here for your Fez, Yellow.  The fact is I don’t know why I am here this time. May I sit?” Lemon Sunburst asked as he pointed to am empty spot at the curb next to Yellow.

Yellow, not trusting Lemon Sunburst said, “You sit, and I will stand.”

Lemon Sunburst sat down next to Brownie and she and Amberana quickly scooted away.  Lemon Sunburst seemed not to take notice of this but said “Thank you, I have had a long strange journey to get here and my head is spinning.”

“Why are you here, what do you want?  We have our own problems and we don’t need you to add to them.”

“Look Yellow,” began Lemon Sunburst.  “My name is Yellow Sunburst, but everyone calls me Sunny.  Before, when I was trying to steal your Fez it wasn’t for me.  I am an agent with the Dutch Secret Service, but I am also a double agent for another country which I shall not name at this time.  However, I was freelancing for a very large corporation and my mission was to steal your Fez.  They didn’t tell me why and I didn’t care, it was just another job to me.  Believe me; I have had much stranger missions.  Anyway, they fired me after the Dixie cup incident.  It was nothing personal.”

“I’m listening,” Yellow said as he glanced over at Amberana and Brownie and saw that they seemed to relax in Sunnys presence.

“I was summoned by Jared this morning and…”

“You mean the Subway sandwich guy?” Brownie interrupted.

“Yes, that is correct.  Anyway, he told me that I would understand in time and then his jaw disconnected from his skull and his mouth opened up and he wanted me to walk into his mouth.”

“Been there, done that,” snorted Amberana.

“It was very unpleasant to say the least but when I emerged, I was down the street and looking at the three of you.  Knowing this was not coincidence, I approached hoping you could tell me why I am here.”

“I don’t know why you are here, but I think we can tell you what we know and you can tell us anything you might know and maybe we can begin to make sense of things,” Yellow said as he sat down next to Sunny.

 

 

“An apocalypse?” Yellow asked, eyes wide.

Sunny shook his head.  “No, not an apocalypse. The apocalypse.”

“This is most disturbing,” Brownie said.  “Are you sure you heard correctly?”

“Well, I was still journeying through that Jared guy’s intestines when he started talking, so the conversation was a bit muffled, but I heard him say something about the apocalypse starting us over from scratch and reshifting the balance of power.  Oh, and apparently Subway now offers their subs on garlic bread.  Crazy shit, huh?”

“You must somehow factor into all this if he went through all the trouble to get you here,” Amberana said.  “Perhaps we all do.”

“What about this balance of power thing?” Yellow asked.

“All I know is, you take the good, you take the bad...you take them both and then you have--”

“The facts of life?”

“No, an uncompromised equilibrium between the two.  Since neither good nor evil can ever have more power than the other, I believe Jared’s plan is to flood the world with evil, thereby diluting the power among many.  And the few good-doers around will gain more power.”

“And how do you know this?” Brownie asked.

“I don’t,” Sunny said with a shrug.  “I’ve just been watching a lot of CSI, so the answers, they just kinda come to me.”

“Well, there’s nothing we can do about it now,” Amberana grumbled.  “Maybe we should just try to get some rest until Jared or whoever makes their move.”

“Agreed,” Sunny said.  “Now, if only I had the company of a lovely lady.”  His gaze swung to Brownie.  “Oh, hey, there’s one right there!  May I have the pleasure?”

He offered an arm, which Brownie readily accepted.

“Keep in touch,” Sunny said.  “But give us a few hours first, a’ight?”

Yellow watched as they walked away, arm in arm, and then he leaned to whisper in Amberana’s ear.  “Sunny doesn’t know that Brownie used to be Brown, right?”

Amberana nodded.  “How could he?”

“Just wanted to check.”  Yellow straightened again and waved to the couple.  “Okay you two, stay out of trouble.  Have a ball.  In fact, have two of them!”

Brownie shot Yellow a warning glare, who just giggled in return.  “I’m so bad,” he said.  “I just know I’m gonna go to Hell.”

 

“Seriously, that’s the only way outta here?” 

Fairplay looked into the murky depths of the pool and a shiver ran through him.  “Uh, uh, no way I’m doing this.”

“It has long been a tradition, Master, that in order to leave the confines of one’s personal Hell, he must compete against his peers in a test requiring cunning, stamina and physical strength.”

“Can’t I just outsmoke someone?  Geez, this is supposed to be Hell.  Who’da thought water sports would be part of the package.  Actually, on second thought....“

“I suggest you do it,” a voice said from within the crowd.

Fairplay did his best to puff himself up to look bigger.  “Who dares question the Fairplay?”

A naked bearded man emerged from the crowd, and once Fairplay could see past the sheen reflecting from his pasty body, he recognized the man as his forerunner.

“The Hatch!” he said with genuine reverence.

“You’re a major player now, J-Dawg,” the Hatch said.  “And by doing this, you’ll claim your rightful place as ruler.”

“Really, and how is drowning myself going to help me rule?”

“Because those you beat in competition will become your zombie slaves.”

Fairplay looked around at the gathered throng.  “Um, Chief, I already have quite a few Indians.”

“Not like these.  Enter!”

Doors opened from all sides, and people filed in, all at once.  It took Fairplay a moment to make out who they were. 

“Survivors!”

“Yes,” the Hatch said.  “All of them.  These people are the best of the best, the top of their game.  Compete with them, beat them, and you shall rule them all.”

“You do realize that the challenges were never really my strong point.”

Anger flashed across the Hatch’s face.  “Don’t cross me, you trumped up little fart.  I’ve worked too hard to put these things into motion to let you screw the pooch.”

Fairplay sighed.  “All right, all right.  Who’s first?”

Terry stepped from out the crowd.  “I am.  Did you know I used to be a jet fighter?”

“Ah shit.”  Johnny crossed his arms, fingers raised to the sky, and unenthusiastically said, “Fairplay.”

 

 Khuzwane glanced at his watch, impatiently waiting for the seconds to turn into minutes, to turn into hours.  He’d been waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the bus back to the states, and he was starting to think maybe there was no bus from Africa.

“Stupid book,” he said, glaring at the Manual de Muerte.  “I should have just picked the form of a hot girl.  Like Scarlett Johansson or that one chick, what’s her name?  The one I told everybody I had sex with.”

He sat on the ground, placing both hands on his chin.  “How depressing.  Here I am, a god among men, and I’m going to die from hunger and thirst.”

He felt something solid under his foot, and he reached down to find an old Coke bottle.  He had no idea how long it’d been sitting there, but it was unopened, and his throat screamed for liquid refreshment.

Using his godlike ability to wield a pocketknife, he popped the top open and drank greedily.  The Coke was warm and burned all the way down, but he chugged as if his life depended on it.

When he looked up, a few local villagers were staring and pointing at him.

“What do you want?” he snarled.  “Never see a god drink a Coke before?”

“The gods must be crazy,” a young woman said.  “Nobody drinks out of bottles anymore.  We have a pop and snack machine in our village.  Come.”

 

Alex suddenly became aware things were happening without him, so just to have a voice, he threw his head back and shouted, “Burrrrr-eeeeeeee-tooooeeeeeee!”

 

 

 

 

“Come on,” Yellow said to Amberana.  “While Sunny and our boy Brownie are doing the nastiest of nasty’s, we can run and get some Chinese food.” 

Yellow grabbed Amberana by the hand a led her down an alleyway where the smell of Chinese food grew stronger every step they took.  They walked into Fongs House of Foo where they received a warm welcome.  They were seated at a high table in the back of the restaurant where a young Asian waitress immediately brought them hot tea and a bowl of Wonton soup.

As Yellow was dropping some fried wonton strips into his soup, he became aware of an older Asian man with a long white beard, equally long white hair and piercing blue eyes staring at him with an intensity that instantly put Yellow on an elevated alert.  He looked over at Amberana to see if she had noticed the man too but knew instantly that she probably didn’t since she was entertaining herself by putting the chopsticks in her nostrils and staring at herself in the stainless steel napkin dispenser. 

When Yellow looked back, the man was no longer there.

 

 

As he watched, Fairplay witnessed the pool dissolve into beach and ocean and upon further scrutiny saw that the beach only went 250 yards in each direction before curving around. He suspected they were actually on a very small island. Fairplay was getting a bad feeling about this challenge as he and Terry stepped up to the breaking surf.  He looked around at all of the other survivors and couldn’t help but think that not all of them were here and accounted for. 

He scanned his brain for all survivors past and soon realized he didn’t have that kind of information storage capacity. 

He was snapped back to the task as hand when he heard Probst say “Life; worth playing for?  Survivors ready? Go!” He and Terry ran out into the breaking waves until the water was waist high and then they both dove under and began swimming.  It wasn’t until Fairplay opened his eyes to see where he was going that he realized he had no idea what the challenge even was.  And where the hell had Terry gone? 

As Fairplay began to panic, he felt something or someone grab a hold of his left leg.  When he looked down, it was truck driving Sue.  She had a big smile on her face as she effortlessly pulled him down.  Even though he could have only swum out about 15 feet, he couldn’t see the bottom.  They kept going down.  He opened his mouth to yell but his mouth instantly filled with a lukewarm mouthful of salt water. 

Sue took the opportunity too wrap her beefy thighs around Fairplay’s neck.  Fairplay struggled but Sue’s trucker thighs, powerful from years of riding the clutch of an 18 wheeler proved too much for him. 

The last thing he saw before he died (again) was his grandmother, arms crossed and fingers pointing to the waters surface as she mouthed, “who’s dead now Bitch?”